We come to this world alone and we leave it alone. I got to learn this lesson way too early. It’s never fair and it hurts more than I could have imagined. I was silent for a long time now. And I’m terrified to bare my soul like this and share it with you, but at the same time I know that I need to let it all out in order to heal. The thing is – I lost my dad on the early morning of the 29th of December. He was 51, he was happy, making plans and hoping for the future. He was going fishing and then just had a heart attack and died. In that one moment my life was changed and it feels like it will never be the same again. After the initial shock and tears and despair I now find myself numb. I avoid thinking about it although to be truthful I think of it every minute. But I choose to think of him as I remember him – the person he used to be, still IS in my mind. Some people change the world, make it better, cure diseases and are the role models for the rest of us. Well, my dad was not one of those great people. He was an ordinary, everyday hero. No really, he saved lives one at a time – he was an ambulance driver. I know, simple profession, just driving. But you know what, he lived it! There are a few kids named Pavel in my hometown now, because my simple everyday dad got their moms to doctors on time. Because he could get to those who needed him the most faster than anyone else could. Our world is a better place because a man called Pavel, a simple driver once lived in it. That is how I choose to remember him. The biggest testimony to the man he was is how many people came to show their respects – there were so many people and at some point I remember I was worried that the ambulances in the whole town were not running because they were all there. Did you know that the ambulances cry for one of their own? Well, I heard the sound of dozens of ambulances’ sirens at once and it tore my heart out but now thinking back it puts a smile on my face having seen this much love for a person who never asked for it. If there is one thing I would like to convey is that it’s never too much to say “I love you” to people you love every day. It comforts me knowing that I’ve done something with myself for my dad to be proud of even when I don’t believe in it myself I know that he believed in me, so I’ll just keep going. Right now – heartbroken… but I’ll keep going for him. Because I’m the legacy he left behind and it’s a big freaking pressure right here :)
Great, I’m a total mess now. So let me tell you something fun – a story of how my parents met… I know, I’m biased but I think it is the greatest love story of all times! So my mom was going through a tough time – she was 27 when she lost both of her parents one after another. She was out for the first time since the loss of the past year and she was a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding. The Russian weddings at that time lasted 2 days. Usually people would just stay overnight at the venue. My dad was the best man. So naturally, they put the bridesmaid and the best man onto the same couch in a big restaurant room for the night. My dad being the young arrogant prick he used to be made a pass at my mom. Earlier that day some woman told my mom she was out of line to be at a party because she is supposed to be in mourning for her parents, so my mom was on the edge. Then basically when my dad makes a pass she starts crying, like first the nasty woman, now the drunk best man… So my dad to calm her down says literally “please don’t cry, please! what can I do to make you happy? Oh please, why don’t you just marry me!” My mom trying to calm a drunk best man says ok, so that he would let her be. But my dad was not the kind to back out. He woke everyone up saying that my mom just agreed to marry him and they continued to celebrate :) The next day he showed up on her doorstep with his luggage. The rest is a history… I was born exactly 9 months later. My parents were married for 28 years. Tough act to follow, ha?
Well, as the writing goes, I’m supposed to say something witty now, but I’m coming up blank. So I’m gonna leave it to the master – here in the poem that comes to my mind that sums up everything I feel now.
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ONE ART
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
– Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
Elizabeth Bishop (1911-79)
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I’ll miss you every moment of every day of my life. I’ll see you in the mirror looking at myself – you always said that we are the mirror images of each other. I don’t know how but I’ll get through this. And I love you so much!
Always,
n.
